


i've got you

by AbbyMcDonough1



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-23
Updated: 2013-12-23
Packaged: 2018-01-05 19:04:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1097533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AbbyMcDonough1/pseuds/AbbyMcDonough1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis goes out one night, and when he returns, he doesn't find what he was expecting. (Or, the one where Louis loves Harry a lot but Harry makes a really really big mistake.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	i've got you

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, so this is my first fic on here so please be nice :) This is told from Louis' POV. TW for self-harm/attempted suicide. Based on the song Emmylou by Vance Joy.

 

i’ve got you

// 

“Hey, I’m going out with Stan, be back in a bit ok?”

 

Harry immediately looked up from the tv. He was watching a Full House rerun, again. “Where are you going? You didn’t tell me you were going anywhere.”

 

I rolled my eyes. “Haz, seriously, it’s not a big deal. We’re going to some pub, not a club.”

 

“Who’s going with you?” He still looked concerned.

 

“Just the two of us, babe. Why are you so freaked out? It’s not like you haven’t stayed alone before.” I chuckled.

 

Looking back, that chuckle was what fucked it all up.

 

He looked down at his hands, the hands that I loved so much, but never told him so. 

 

“I don’t know Lou. I’m being dumb. Sorry. Go have fun with your friend, ok?” He winked, trying to lighten the mood. The smile didn’t reach his eyes.

 

“Ok. Bye, Haz.”

 

“Love you!” He called as I left the apartment.

 

I didn’t say it back. I thought it was silly. He knew I loved him, I didn’t need to say it all the time. 

 

I should’ve said it back. 

//

 

 For a Friday night, the pub scene was uncharacteristically lame. Obviously I wasn’t looking for any hookups, but some excitement would’ve been nice. I didn’t even get drunk, I just wasn’t in the mood. I was exhausted from all the recording, and just having moved into this new apartment with Harry. So, at midnight, I stumbled in to our large, new flat. Harry normally stayed up much later, so I was surprised when I came back and all the lights were off.

 

“Haz?” I called out into the emptiness. I don’t know why I bothered; it was obvious no one was downstairs.

 

I walked up the stairs, trying to stay calm. The voice in the back of my head was going wild, panicking about all the possible bad scenarios Harry could be in. 

 

_Dead, murdered. Allergic reaction. Left you._

 

The only outcome that never crossed my mind was the one that was reality.

 

Still, I wasn’t too worried. More likely, Harry was just watching TV or blogging or something, and I was overreacting. 

 

I wasn’t.

 

I walked into our bedroom and flicked on the lights. No sign of Harry.

 

There was a light coming from the bathroom. 

 

“Haz?” I called again.

 

Nothing.

 

Now, I was fearing the worst. He probably had an allergic reaction of some sort and is passed out in the bathroom.

 

Well, I was wrong about the allergic reaction. But my guess was correct on the second part.

 

I pushed open the door, and saw my boyfriend lying in the bathtub. //

 

// _What did he do what happened is he okay what should I do who should I call_

I gasped when I saw him. 

 

His face was slack. His hands were crossed on his chest. He looked peaceful and innocent, with his little nose scrunched up like it would be in the mornings after we fucked. 

 

But this was not the same situation.

 

“Harry.” I breathed. 

 

I sat down next to him on the tile next to the tub. I wanted to climb in, but the 6-foot boy took up most of the space. I put my hand on his chest and felt his pulse. I didn’t realize I was crying until a tear fell on his shirt, leaving a wet spot right where my finger had been.

 

Once I started crying, I couldn’t stop. 

 

“Harry?" I cried. "Harry? Baby please wake up. Haz please, HazzaBear wake up, what did you do what happened babe Harry please please-” My own sob choked me off. 

 

I put my head on his chest. He was still breathing, but unconscious. I didn’t know who to call. I didn’t know what happened, and I didn’t want to call 911, because of paparazzi. But unless he woke up soon, I was going to have to take him to a hospital.

 

Not knowing what else to do, I called Liam. Obviously.

 

“Hey, Lou, what’s up?”

 

“Liam, I just got home, and Harry’s- he’s, he’s not okay. Passed out. I don’t know what happened but I see an empty bottle of Advil and- I- I don’t know...” I started crying again. God. I was so weak, so pathetic, and that was probably why Harry did this. 

 

Liam, always the calm one, answered with concern but not panic. “Lou, breathe, okay? He has a pulse, right?”

 

“Yes,” I whispered.

 

“Okay. Okay, it's fine. Don’t call 911. I’m coming over. Keep checking and making sure his pulse is steady. If it starts changing, like speeding up or slowing down, you have to call 911. And if it stops...well, you know how to do CPR, right?" He asked, nervously.

"Yeah. Yeah, I do." Those years of being a lifeguard every long summer of high school might finally pay off. Hopefully not.

 

 

"Okay, Lou. Call me if anything happens."

 

I thanked Liam and hung up the phone. I felt much better, knowing Liam was coming. I would let him take care of Harry- and me. He was good at that, I wasn’t. I’m not good at much, to be honest.

 

I looked down at my boyfriend. He looked so peaceful, more peaceful than I'd seen him in a while. I don’t deserve him, I never will. He’s so young, only nineteen. Thrown into all this popstar crap, he hasn’t been coping well, I should’ve realized it, I should’ve done something, I shouldn’t have gone out-

 

I’m crying again.

 

I put my hand in his curls. Check his pulse again, still strong. “I’m so sorry, Haz, so sorry...”

 

I put my other hand in his and run circles with my thumb on his wrist.

 

Then, like feeling the first drop of rain on your head, I feel a slight squeeze of my fingers.

 

 

“Harry?” I whisper. “Can you hear me, babe? It’s okay, sweetie. You can open your eyes, if you want. You don’t have to, though. I love you.” It was the first time I told him I loved him in a week.

 

I felt him stir beside me, and my heart felt like it was going to burst. 

 

“Lou?” He mumbled. He didn’t sound like himself. I sucked in a breath. 

 

“Yeah, babe, it’s me. It’s okay, you’re okay. Something happened?” The last phrase was meant to be a statement, but it came across as more as a question.

 

Harry tried to sit up, but reeled from dizziness and laid back down so he was angled towards me. I guided his head so it was in my lap and more comfortable. “Lou, I’m so sorry, I’m so stupid, please don’t leave me, please don’t, I’ll get better, I swear, I’ll-”

 

I cut him off. “Harry. Stop. I’m not sure what you did, but it’s not your fault, okay, babe? I love you so much, and nothing’s changed. I should’ve told you that more. Li’s coming over, and we’ll all talk, okay?”

 

To my surprise, Harry shook his head. “No. No, I don’t want to talk to Liam yet. I need to talk to you.”

 

“Liam will help us figure it out, Haz, he won’t judge you or anything, don’t worry.”

 

Still with his head in my lap, Harry shook his head. “No, Louis. I just...want to talk to you, yeah?”

 

Then, he started to cry. 

 

It started as a small sniffle, probably brought on by fear. I tried to shush him and console him, to no avail. The small whimpers turned into regular cries, with his face all screwed up and his eyes scrunched together. The cries grew louder, with snot and his breath catching. And then, then he was sobbing, and it was this earth shattering noise and all I wanted was for it to stop, I would do anything to stop it, anything, it was so loud, and so raw and it sounded so- painful,  and it made me feel so panicked and I hate being panicked-

 

I kissed him.

 

It wasn’t a quick peck. It was long, it lasted, it conveyed everything I needed to say. _I love you, please don’t hurt yourself, you’re going to be okay, we’re going to be okay._

 

We finally broke apart.

 

Harry wiped his eyes, and I took out my phone and called Liam. 

 

“Li, he’s awake. But don’t come just yet, okay. I’ll call you later, I swear it’s fine, he’s fine.”

 

“Lou, are you sure? Okay. Well, just make sure he’s alright. Love you.” He said, sounding confused but accepting.

 

“Love you too. Okay. Bye.” I quickly ended the call and looked back to Harry.

 

“Just us for now, is that okay babe?”

 

Harry nodded, and finally sat up. I took his hand and helped him stand. He stumbled.

 

“I’m so lightheaded...” He said, closing his eyes.

 

“It’s okay, baby. You’re fine. Let’s get you to bed, and then we’ll talk later. Just tell me quickly Haz- what did you do? I don’t need an explanation, but I need to know exactly what happened.”

 

Harry sucked in a breath. I had no idea how hard this was for him. “I took some pills,” He mumbled, not meeting my eyes.

 

I gripped his hand tighter. “Haz. Look at me. Look in my eyes.”

 

He complied, raising his green eyes to my blues. “I took some Advil. 12 tablets. I wanted to feel better...” He trailed off, closing his eyes. I realized that the maximum dosage for an adult male is 8 tablets in 24 hours.

 

I felt myself choke up, but I couldn’t cry in front of him. “Okay, baby. We’ll talk later. Go to sleep, Haz. I love you so much, you don’t even know.”

 

Haz sighed. I helped him into our queen sized bed, and propped him against the pillows. I tucked the comforter around him, and then started to exit our room.

 

A strangled sound came from Harry. “Lou, no, stay! Please stay!”

 

I turned around quickly. “You want me to stay? With you?”

 

He nodded sheepishly.

 

I felt another tear slip out, but I quickly brushed it away before he could see. I climbed into our bed, and it was then that I realized that we hadn’t slept, like actually slept, next to each other in weeks.

Harry picked up on it too. “I’ve missed you,” he mumbled. “Even though you’ve been right here with me, I’ve missed you...” His words hurt me. He didn’t mean too, but they made me feel like I had no right to be in this bed with this perfect boy. 

 

I told him so. “Harry, Harry. I’m so sorry. I love you, and I don’t know where I’ve been lately. Please, I don’t know what brought this on, but it’s my fault, right?” I said that selfishly. I expected him to deny it, tell me that no of course not it was his fault for fucking overdosing on pills, not mine. But he didn’t say that. He told the truth.

 

“I’m not sure Lou. Probably. Let’s talk tomorrow.” And with that, he rolled over, leaving me alone in our oversized bed with my oversized thoughts. 

// 

I woke up at 4:17 am. 

 

The other half of the bed was unoccupied. 

 

I sighed. Harry must be downstairs. He must have not felt comfortable sleeping next to me. That thought alone made me want to curl up in a ball and never leave my bed.

 

I left my bed.

 

I went downstairs and saw the kitchen light was on, and Harry was at the counter, drinking tea. 

 

“Are you okay, Harry?” I asked. Dumb question.

 

Harry scoffed. “Yeah. just peachy, Louis. Sure, I tried to commit suicide, but, hey, it didn’t work, so I just gave up on hating myself! Yeah, I’m just great.”

 

My face must’ve registered my hurt, because after he snapped, he looked at me and drew in a breath.

 

“Louis...” He trailed off, staring at me. My eyes were filling up again, oh god why the fuck am I always crying, I tried to look away but I couldn’t break his glance-

 

“Louis, oh my god, I don’t know why I just said that...” He stood up and moved towards me.

 

And for the first time, I flinched. I flinched when my boyfriend approached me. 

 

He noticed, too. And that was probably the worst thing ever.

 

“You’re scared of me.” He stated it like it was a normal fact. _The sky is blue. Africa is a continent. Louis is afraid of me._

 

“Harry-” I started.

 

“Lou-” He interjected at the exact same time. 

 

Even when all this _shit_ is going on, we’re still so synced. So together, all the time. Thinking of that made my heart hurt.

 

I slid to the ground with my back against our cabinets. “Do you know what I thought, when I saw you, Harry? I thought you were dead. I came home at midnight and I thought you were DEAD. In our bathtub. I pictured it all. In that split second, I saw your funeral and your burial and- and-” I cut off, out of breath. I wasn’t crying. There were no tears left.

 

“Louis, I’m sorry! I didn’t know what to do! I thought you hated me, I thought you wanted to leave me, and I wanted to make it easier for you... I thought I was a nuisance, and I know I don’t deserve you. You’re twenty-one and so, so gorgeous and talented and perfect and I’m still a fucking teenager and I’m ugly and the worst one in the band. I thought...I thought it would be better... if I was dead.” He whispered the last words, and then looked at me. Both of our eyes were filled with tears.

 

This beautiful boy. This gorgeous human being who thought he was not.

 

Our eyes met. I stood up, took two paces over to him, and sat back down so our knees were touching.

 

“I love you, Harry Edward Styles. I love you so fucking much, more than I love anything. I love your sleepy voice and your beautiful eyes. Harry, your eyes are so beautiful, you have no freakin clue. And your hair, don’t get me started on your hair. It’s always so perfect, oh my god. Literally I get hard if I think about your hair for too long-”

 

Harry slapped my arm, hard, but not hard enough to hurt. But he was smiling, and that made me smile too. I took a risk and leant into his bigger frame. He tensed at first, which was different. But then, he relaxed, and I rearranged myself to fit in-between his legs. He put one arm around me, over my shoulders and across my chest. The other, he nestled in my hair, and started playing with it as I kept talking. 

 

“I love your smell. I love how you wear socks to bed, because I do too. And I love how that when you can’t sleep, all I have to do is stroke the nape of your neck for like three minutes and then you’re out like a light.”

 

Harry’s breath caught in his throat, and I turned my head so I was facing him. 

 

“Why are you crying? Isn’t this helping?” My voice sounded small.

 

He shook his head. “No, Louis. I...love this. And I love you.”

 

“Then why did you try to kill yourself?” I said it frankly. Maybe too frankly, but I didn’t care about protecting feelings anymore.

 

“I told you Lou, I thought it would be better. At night, I would stay up, and just, think about what could be so much better without me...”

 

“Oh, Harry. No. No. You are so fucking great, okay? Great. You’re the best thing in my life. You’re my number one.”

 

Harry cocked his head. “Really? You mean that?”

 

I turned myself around so I was facing him directly but still in his lap. I put my arms around my neck and kissed him square on the mouth. It wasn’t sexual, but it told him exactly what I needed it to. _I love you and I want to be with you forever._

 

We broke apart once again, and I leant into his neck. I inhaled him, taking it all in. I knew he still didn’t believe everything I said completely, and I needed a way to make him.

 

I kissed his neck and Harry shuddered. I looked up at him. He’s so tall, taller than me. I linked our arms. 

 

“Promise me.”

 

“Promise you what?” He whispered.

 

“You’ll never do it again.” I didn’t need to elaborate; we both knew what I meant.

 

He looked away. “I’m not sure if I can promise that.” My face fell, and his did as well.

 

“No, Haz, you gotta. You have to promise me. You have to, I can’t lose you, I won’t I won’t I won’t.” I took a shaky breath, determined not to cry again. 

 

Harry’s head was down and I had no idea that he was crying until I saw a teardrop fall onto his shirt. I put my hand under his chin and gently guided his face upwards so he was looking at me. Reluctantly, he met my eyes. 

 

“You are loved.” I whispered. Then I kissed his collarbone.

 

“You are loved.” I kissed his cheek.

 

“You are loved.” I kissed his nose. He giggled.

 

“You’re so fucking loved.” I kissed his mouth again, and then our mouthes became each others and we were making out and then I- I just said it.

 

“Marry me.”

 

I don’t know why I didn’t plan it better. But I just said it and that was that. 

 

Apparently, Harry didn’t hear me the first time, because he kept kissing me. I broke away a second time, and he froze. 

 

“Marry me.” There it was, plain and simple. The proof we needed. 

 

“You really want to?” He asked, quietly. 

 

“Yes. More than anything, Haz. I want to be with you always, so you’ll know I’ll love you forever.” I said it simply. It was the truth. 

 

And then we were both crying, but for a new reason. 

 

“I love you, god I love you.” I kept repeating it into his ear. 

 

“Loulou, I don’t know...” I was still in his lap.

 

I just stared at him. And then he broke into an ear-to-ear grin.

 

“You love me, don’t you?” His eyes were on the verge of overflowing.

 

“Maybe a little...okay. A lot.” And then I was kissing my fiancé.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hope that was okay! Tell me what you think :)


End file.
